I haven’t written much as my life has gotten very busy and I’ve been working, exercising and developing my skills. As of the start of 2017, I began my journey as a Design Computing student and abandoning the Computer Science degree I had struggled so much with and did not enjoy at all. I’ve been practising more drawing, dived head first into 3D modelling, and been learning more about graphics design. Eventually this website will completely reconstructed from scratch as a portfolio and blog, but for now I’ll be running it as some sort of a random personal blog. Anime and Gaming is still a huge part of my interests so that won’t go away, I’ll still talk about it however, in a way that I feel is more original.
It’s been fun calling myself “Hayashi Sora” but I think it’s time to move away from having a Japanese pseudonym considering the negative connotations of having one in the western community. I’m not a weeaboo, or otaku as many may think I am as I’m simply an Anime and Gaming Fan. It’s because of this Japanese pseudonym, I am judged as one by many people. So many people have asked me if I liked Kingdom Hearts but in reality, I’ve never actually been a huge fan of the series mainly because I was a broke student without enough disposable to afford to buy the games much less the console itself to play them.
The reality is, it’s much deeper than that, it’s quite a depressing reason and at the same time it’s a name that gave me much hope in my darkest times. Now months on, I kind of regret choosing it as my pseudonym because I’m often simply seen as an otaku or a weeb even among my closest friends simply because I chose a Japanese name. Well in any case, the name will still be with me for a long time as a name for when I speak with my Japanese speaking friends. So I instead of using “Hayashi Sora” decided to use my preferred alias instead, “Neul” (shortened from “Haneul”) , and just keep using that name when speaking with Japanese speaking people. The words in “hayashisora” aren’t exactly the most memorable thing you can type in the address bar, especially if you don’t know much Japanese. So I have decided to call this site “Aether Impulse” and the URL will be “www.aetherimpulse.com”. This new name has a somewhat personal meaning to it, and is easier to remember. This new name is simply referring to my desire to fly in the sky.
I used to be a lot angrier and pissed off (you could say “edgy”), because the world felt like a place full of stupid people, and everyone seemed to prefer hedonistic values over a truly meaningful existence. Why would they accept reality when you can simply drown yourself in falsehood? Like the arrogant fledgling I was, I tried to change people, take on the world so to speak but I was powerless to do so. Now it doesn’t matter to me anymore, I’ve mellowed out and decided I don’t want to fight for my cause to tell people to be smarter or some shit like that. I’ll simply not participate, let it die out and hang with the people who are worth my time. I’m only one person, with near certainty I can say that I’m unable to carry the weight of the world. It’s too heavy of a burden, so fuck it, I’m just going to change those around me who are willing to change.
I’ve been deep in thought for the past few years, philosophising on difficult questions that are relevant to me. To try to forgive those around me, let go of past hatreds, understand why things occurred, and ultimately to forgive myself. I’ve kept running away from and tried distracting myself from the pain and all the horrible memories that I’ve accumulated. My life was shattered to pieces by the trash around me you see, even now I feel as if my growth and development was hampered because I never got to do the things others have done. Such as go on a snowy mountains excursion during the 5th grade, enjoy the camaraderie of school life or have a loving family who truly understood me. I figured, perhaps all my pain and suffering wasn’t all for nothing. I’ve made a few real friends, I piss them off, I annoy them, I talk a lot of shit with them, and yet they’re still my friends and I love them with all my heart. The years gone by not knowing who I am in this world, suddenly felt meaningful. I think the reason why I can’t let go of my pain and suffering is because, my life would lose its meaning. I wouldn’t have gotten to know these friends who I care about without going through hell.
I wouldn’t be the person I am today, or the person I will be tomorrow without all experiences I’ve been through. Now I must learn to focus so I enjoy the rest of my life, fulfil my goals, grow, develop, explore, help other people and do it all again and again. I don’t want to leave this world without changing it for the better. I don’t want to just pursue happiness because a meaningless existence like that is stagnant and suffocating. I myself and other people to be free, to be able to achieve to new heights in anything they do and to grow and develop without being held down by chains.
For the meaning of my life is simply to soar in the skies.