It’s been months since I’ve actually written anything or posted a new article. I don’t feel the urge to write anymore, the reason I started this blog was to have an outlet of some frustrations and to scream in silence. I was suffering depression at the time, and it feels as if the world was crashing down on me, and every time I woke up I wished that I could fall asleep again, never to awake again. Times goes on, people around come and go, and I felt as if I was left behind. I was but an empty void, a nobody so out of nothingness I simply made this “Hayashi Sora” persona and from that point onward, I crawled out of the shit hole, and filled in that void.
Getting out of depression by yourself isn’t easy, and it takes practice. One of the ways I dealt with it was to drown out the negative thoughts with positive and happy music. Another way was have replacement thoughts in my head, and every time I had a thought that made me feel like shit, I would switch to a more productive thought. The most important thing to me at that stage was to stop depression from chaining me to inaction. If I entertained a negative thought long enough and it has the power to control me, so I simply didn’t give them the chance to. Hell, if I had time to be sad about everything, I had time to do something about it. So, I might as well break free from those blasted chains.
There are many things I’ve done wrong, and regret. So many things I wish to forget and leave behind. Self-hatred is one of the crippling factors during my depression. I had to learn to forgive myself for what I did, and find out how the mistake happened so that I can learn from it. I often fear that one day someone might dig up this dirt, and use it against me but burying all this in the dirt has left me paranoid. So I came up with a more creative solution to this problem. It’s my fucking dirt. I do whatever the bloody hell I want with it, so I might as well be true about it to my close friends whom I trust. I just can’t go on while constantly feeling guilty and remorseful, so I should confess it all, and get it off my chest. I’ve been minding this patch of dirt for too long, time to let it all go.
I was such a worry wart at heart, and I remember that back then I tend to carry a lot of unhealthy mental weight. So it was time to learn to let go, and to put it bluntly, I was learning to “not give a fuck” and started to mellow out. After a few months of lightening up my load, I didn’t feel the need to get mad at people. I simply don’t feel as if I wanted to convince anyone to see things from my perspective. So after a while I lost my will to write my long opinion posts. For the past 5 years in my life, at university, I have learned so many valuable life lessons. Having my life practically wasted by all the garbage around me was unfortunate. I still wish I could erase it all and start anew but alas, this is not how life works.
So other than my depression evaporating and having an outlet that I no longer need, another reason was that I started looking at other articles to write my own. I started dreading writing opinion articles, because they were too long and I kept feeling an urge to borrow ideas because I didn’t have enough of my own. While I could write a review or critique something, there are so many other people who could do it at the same level if not better than me. There was simply no need for me to write any reviews, or any “borrowed opinion” articles because that would mean that I lose my niche. Why should people come to my blog to read something that they can get somewhere else?
The plan now is that for the future of this blog, is that I will start posting creative content such as how to make props or some digital artwork I made. I’m still developing my skills by undertaking a design degree which I have recently enrolled in but I hope you will enjoy what I have to offer. That being said, my posts will be infrequent but I hope to have something to show you soon.
I probably should use my preferred name. People have been judging me thinking that I’m some weeb or otaku which I’m not. I’m simply an Anime and gaming fan. I’ll be signing off as “Neul” from now on.
Good Luck, Have Fun!