Monthly Log Blog 3 (October 2015) – Traffic Jam, StarCraft II Career Reflection and Negativity

My friend on facebook shared a link to ahotaku39‘s articles, and I decided to have a browse because I can potentially learn something or get inspired to write better articles. I noticed that he writes a lot of opinion posts just like I do and also he’s been doing it for roughly 3 years! A lot longer than I have been writing and he’s gained a following of over 1500 likes on Facebook. I took some time to browse his content and he lays out his points very well, and his logic is very sound. So I gave him a thumbs up on Facebook and followed his blog so I could read more of his great content in the future. On a whim, I decided to leave a comment on his ‘About page’, and I really didn’t think he would share any of my content. However, he went one step beyond that and endorsed my page. Flabbergasted, I couldn’t thank him enough for the shout out because this was exactly what I needed, more people who were interested in Anime to visit my blog and potentially engage with it.

I saw a spike in visitors and views, and my facebook page gained 11 likes over a few days, which is more than what I can expect in such a short period of time. I can’t thank ahotaku39 enough for giving me this exposure to such a huge audience. My passion for Anime and my blood, sweat and tears invested into writing my articles has reached so many people beyond what I thought was possible. Above all, I feel very satisfied to have inspired a fellow blogger as well, which is one of the small wishes of mine, to have a fellow blogger engage with my content. In particular, ahotaku39 enjoyed reading my “A Commentary about Anime Today from a Tired Fan” articles in which I raised a few points and shed light on the subject in a way that I think no-one else can. There was meant to be a fifth and final article to that series however, I haven’t found enough inspiration and done research to actually finish writing it because it was very broad. In the near future I will most likely get back to writing it and finish what I started.

In the mean-time I’ve begun to write “rants” in which I complain about issues that I vent out my rage and hopefully help people understand the problems that should be fixed and how to actually go about fixing them. Currently they’re all aimed at Heroes of the Storm, a game that I understand very well, however I wouldn’t write any rants for games that I can’t understand fully like StarCraft II in which the knowledge and understanding I have to gain is staggering and the highest rank I’ve ever been is Gold League. So my articles won’t be of any use and if I do write any rants I won’t have anything other than baseless assumptions to go about which are trash, and will do more harm than good. I am smart enough to see my own incompetence, and my limits which allows me to see what I need to do to overcome all my shortcomings. The thing about rants is that you really do have to understand far more on the topic matter than the average article which means it’s an interesting challenge for someone like me who writes more “passive” articles. My articles aim to minimize the amount of offense, however rants will easily offend people which is somewhat outside my comfort zone which is a good thing, because like Danny Choo said “Always stay outside your comfort zone”.

Special Thanks to ahotaku39 for all the shout-outs! You’re a legend, mate! 😀

So what have I been doing in November? I finally finished my exams for the year at University so I’ve earned a well deserved break from all the pain and torment of assignments. *cries* Thankfully, StarCraft II – Legacy of the Void came out and I finished the story, Yay! My wrist still aches so I have to be careful when playing on the ladder in order to try and break into Master League in 2016. I keep saying that I will do it but every single damn time I make excuses for myself to not rank up. I experience ladder anxiety and motivation burnout quite often which really sapped the fun out of 1v1 StarCraft for me. I needed to find a way to regain my confidence in order to play better, I have to deal with negativity that comes with aiming high. Probably an unattainable dream would be becoming a professional player in the scene but, it’s “impossible” goals like these that drives everyone to soar to new heights. That’s why I will never stop dreaming, no matter what.

My main race is Terran and now I’m learning how to play Zerg with help from my mate [x5] PiG who is hands down the best Australian Player EVER. I have friends like, Maxilicious the writer of the TerranCraft blog who studies and understands the game way better than I do and MysticSecret, a Protoss made it to the higher leagues in a shorter time period than I have which really inspired me to try harder to succeed. King Sell-out Face (No Space) Elison the ex-president of Sydney Collegiate StarCraft and Maru (Peacekeeper) have been doing a lot for the scene lately, they are also great inspirations for me to keep aiming high and keep pushing forward. And how can I ever forget Silverking, Gungnir and Creapylord? They’re the ones who got me started in this crazy ride. With these great people surrounding me, why haven’t I achieved anything higher than Gold League in StarCraft II? After over 2 years of pondering, I think I finally have the answer to that question.

I’m a coward who is too scared to face negativity. I suffered a humiliating loss in which I was forced to shit-talk in and couldn’t live up to the promise. I mistook my fear for determination and my hands could not stop shaking, I could not calm myself down. My mind was blank which had a huge negative impact on my unit control, and I took huge risks in a desperate attempt to win. That resulted in my loss and in the end, I was burned at the stake and my heart was shattered in a million pieces. After that I was mocked, and nobody took me seriously, and guess what? I let myself be consumed by despair and I was helpless. I closed myself off to everyone and lay in bed waking up feeling like shit everyday, but I was angry at myself for being affected too deeply by such a minor setback. My willpower drained away quickly and I stopped playing the game for months just because I let these brittle chains bind me and turn me into a slave to my own self-pity.

I had a promising start, as many players complimented me on my macro-management and being able to make more units than the average player. But to have my confidence shattered like this was one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced. From this experience I’ve spent over a year thinking about it and tried to come to terms with that single loss. I still regret that I wasn’t able to calm myself down and think clearly in order to win however if there is one thing I can take from that experience was a single lesson that I had to learn in order to bounce back up. There will always be people who want to sabotage your plans and people who hate you for who you are, but that shouldn’t be the reason to stop. People can be jealous just because of the fact that you can play better than them, and so if they can’t play well, they don’t want you to play better than them. That’s why there is shit-talking, and put downs in any sport, it’s psychological warfare outside of the game and it’s this simple tactic that effectively almost killed my passion for StarCraft II. Never again will I let myself take any shit-talker seriously nor will I talk shit about others, because at the end of the day, they are just fucking weaklings who can’t stand having someone better than them.

I’ll admit that my skill level isn’t on par with these weaklings, in fact I’m an insignificant scrub who is all bark and no bite. However, I know that those who don’t try will never live up to their potential, so all I need to do is to spread my wings and fly once more. These people who get in my way will never soar like I will because I embrace the fact that there is always someone better and to become better than that certain someone is the challenge that gives me a reason to never stop dreaming and never stop trying to become better than myself. Also having been through mental torment and pain from Childhood till the end of High-school that can kill thousands of human beings, I know what’s it like to be wrapped in the darkness of despair. I do not wish anyone to go through this same experience so I will always encourage people to pursue their goals and never put them down. Dreaming and pursuing your goals. That’s what life is for, and wasting time inhibiting someone’s progress is for the weak. It’s time to get out of this cage and break all these chains that bind me, and find myself again for I am my own worst enemy. I will overcome myself, and say “Fuck You!” to all those cunts around me. I don’t give a fuck anymore, it’s either I do it or live with the regret that I’ve never actually tried. Chains are not meant to be worn, they are meant to be broken as well as those who use them on others.

Who am I? I’m Hayashi Sora. The Sky is Freedom. I am Freedom.

空は自由。僕は自由だよ。

Good Luck, Have Fun!

~Hayashi Sora (林空)

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